


my body is a burden and i'm trying to put some weight on you

by rockpaperruby



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide mention, nothing too graphic i don't think, self-harm mention, yeah so basically your average fluffy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 12:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6956455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockpaperruby/pseuds/rockpaperruby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron and Paddy work out a plan</p>
            </blockquote>





	my body is a burden and i'm trying to put some weight on you

**Author's Note:**

> hello again - didn't think i'd be back so soon to be honest but many wondrous things happen when you are putting off exam revision. this is my second work on this site so i am still rusty (wonder how long i can use that excuse) so if there are mistakes/the writing is shitty please excuse. i think this one is particularly ramble-y and jumbled so sorry for that, it's hard to work through all those thoughts/feelings and make it coherent. thanks to everyone that gave kudos (and the comments - all two of you) on my last work it meant a lot. again sorry for the rambles
> 
> title from 'cult of personality' by varsity (amazing band i just discovered)
> 
> ALSO read the tags! there are many possibly triggering aspects of this fic. if you want me to change anything/add a tag etc just ask

Aaron felt like a complete idiot. He knows that everyone always tells him recovery is hard but he can't help feeling like he failed after months of no self-harming. He also remembers the first time his mum told him that recovery was hard, to which he scoffed and retorted,

“Cutting myself is hardly an addiction though is it? I can stop any time I want.”

His mum looked at him sadly, "then why haven’t you stopped yet?”

That shut him up.

Despite what everyone says Aaron felt like he could stop any time he needed. The problem was that sometimes it wasn't that he _needed_ to hurt himself, it’s that he wanted to.

That may seem pretty bad, a major cause for concern, to someone who hasn't been through it, but to Aaron it was simply a part of his life – a stress reliever. Sure he could (most definitely) find better, healthier and safer methods of stress management, but in his slow days it often seemed like the only way.

And he does feel stupid afterwards, but it’s just in the moment with the blade in his hand and thoughts he’d rather not think swirling around his head, he can convince himself of anything.

_Cut on your arm Aaron – easy access, easy cleaning, easy wrapping._

It seems so simple and he wonders to himself _yeah, why_ don’t _I cut on my arm?_

Not so simple now with the hot Yorkshire summer sun beating down on him, one of the hottest days of the year, and him in his hoodie. He just feels so weak, especially when everyone is telling him how well he’s supposedly doing.

“Aaron love, just take it off,” his mum berates him while bringing him his good ol’ pub lunch of pie and chips. Aaron wishes he was hungry.

“Lay off Chas,” Paddy is next to Aaron looking at him as Aaron stares at the ground, "let him wear what he wants."

“Fine,” Chas starts, seemingly unaware of her son’s melancholic behaviour, “but you can be the one to wash it when you sweat plain though it.” She huffs before walking back to the pub.

Aaron is just beginning to think Paddy suspects something when he hears, “You alright?” in that muted, irritatingly calm voice that Paddy seems to _love_.

Aaron looks up to see Paddy looking straight back at him. Aaron has to give it to him, he does squirm a little, but he seems determined to keep eye contact.

“Why’d you ask?” Aaron can tell his attempt at an aloft tone has failed when he hears Paddy’s exasperated sigh.

“Aaron mate, I love you but you’re so thick sometimes. Do you think we don’t notice when you’re like this?”

“Well no one asks me about it,” Aaron says, slightly miffed at Paddy calling him out.

“We’re afraid you’ll bite our heads off - with good reason too. Of course we noticed you flipping moping about for the past week.”

“Oh, God forbid the clinically depressed self-harmer act a little bit _off_ Paddy. Quick, you might want to get some news coverage of this – let the whole world know about your discovery.”

Paddy releases another heavy sigh, takes his glasses off and rubs he hand over his face.

“Aaron, you know that I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just – “

“Just what, Paddy?” Aaron’s not sure if he’s actually angry at Paddy or just trying to get him to back off before he notices something. Maybe both. “Am I getting too boring for you? Or are too many people asking if I’m going to top myself, huh?”

“For God’s sake Aaron I’m just worried. I’m not letting you push me away just by getting angry. I've dealt with worse from you in the past believe me,” Paddy pauses, looks down at the ground and then back up at Aaron before continuing softly, “please tell me what’s up, I just want to help.”

And the sad thing was Aaron wanted his help. He wanted people to care, wanted them to ask, he just didn’t know what to do when he _got_ that kind of attention.

“I don’t know Paddy,” Aaron starts. “People have been saying how much better I’m doing; they all sound do proud and I just want...” Aaron takes in a shaky breath. “I just want people to stop seeing 'broken Aaron'.”

“Aaron,” a sad smile on his face, “we want to help. Sure it’s nice to see you doing better but it’s not right if you’re just covering stuff up still. What’s wrong Aaron?”

In that moment he wanted to say it. He really did. How hard could it to be to say _Paddy, I’ve been self-harming again so I think I need people to keep an eye on me so I don’t do something stupid and to drag me to the doctors to get my meds changed because I can’t make myself go_? Apparently too hard.

It seems so simple, so why couldn’t the words come out?

“I… I think- I mean… Paddy I just –“ Aaron stumbles over his words, feeling like his tongue was too big for his mouth.

As clichéd as it sounds the words were just stuck in the back of his throat – he couldn’t seem to will himself to say them. But then Paddy interrupts him with a question.

“Aaron, have you been cutting again?”

To his own surprise, Aaron felt relieved. He didn’t have to say it because Paddy _knows_ him, knows what he needs.

Aaron looks to the ground again and nods. He hears the sharp hiss of Paddy’s breath. They stay in silence for a few seconds, Aaron unable to look at Paddy. He was sure he wouldn’t see him through the tears and shame anyway.

Then suddenly he hears, “Right,” accompanied by the loud smack of hands on knees. “Aaron… Aaron come on,” he waits for Aaron to looks up at him before saying simply, “don’t worry about it.”

Aaron scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“Don’t worry about what? Me needing to hurt myself to cope with what everyone else seems to deal with _just fine_? Or me telling you because I can’t trust my own brain and what it might make me do to myself?”

Paddy gives him a small smile.

“No, I’m just saying that we’ve dealt with this before and we all got through it – with only a few hospital visits too.” Aaron lets out a huff of laughter at that and Paddy looks at him with a small, hopeful smile.

“I thought I was better, I really thought I was over it.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Paddy says softly. “I wish you _were_ over it. I'm also sorry to tell you that you may well be dealing with these issues for most of your life.”

“Great, cheers mate, really makes me feel better that.”

Paddy releases a frustrated laugh.

“I don’t mean to make you feel worse. Look, it may seem bad now, and I’m not going to lie to you and say it won’t ever feel bad again, but I just can’t see you feeling guilty about this relapse. It was always going to happen, and it’s not your fault.”

Aaron smiles slightly at Paddy’s kind words. “We’ve been dealing with this for a while and we will deal with it for a while more, however long it takes, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It would be _better_ if it stopped all together but that’s just not reality, okay?” Aaron nods. “Good. Now why don’t we focus on what we can control, eh?”

Aaron seemed at a loss, “like what?”

“Like _how_ we deal with it. First things first – you need to tell someone when you're feeling like this.”

Aaron scoffs and mutters “easier said than done mate.” Paddy rolls his eyes at that.

“I know it’s hard, I get that, but you can’t wait for someone to ask the exact right question every time. This time I noticed, but you are bloody good at hiding it all Aaron.”

“I know, sorry ‘bout that.”

Paddy chuckles, “I’m not having a go, but if no one knows no one can help. Promise you’ll work on being more honest, even if it’s just saying ‘you know what Paddy, I’m not feeling so hot right now’ when I ask how you are.”

Aaron laughs at the completely inaccurate impression of him but nods, knowing Paddy is making sense.

“Maybe we can even work something out with your Mr Therapist that if you tell him you’re harming yourself he can tell us for you. Sound good?” Paddy looks so hopeful and Aaron can feel his appreciation of the bald man in front of him growing even after all these years.

“Yeah Paddy, that could actually work,” he says gratefully, beginning to feel a weight being lifted as Paddy walked him through what they needed to do.

“We need to work out a game plan yeah? Something we can do any time this happens.”

“Sounds smart, but like what?”

Paddy huffs and squints as he scratches his head. “Umm… I don’t know to be honest. I don’t really know what would help you, like would hiding all the knives and sharp things work or just annoy you?”

Aaron wrings his hands (a nervous tick that he wished he hadn’t developed just because of how obvious it is), feeling so pathetic that he can’t even trust himself not to do something stupid.

“I want to say that it wouldn’t help, but maybe…” he couldn’t bring himself to say it, but it turns out he didn’t have to.

“Then that’s what we’ll do.” Paddy slaps his own knees again. “We hide the sharp things and then we’ll tell the people that you want to keep an eye on you. No more skulking off alone for hours anymore.”

Aaron knows that future him is going to hate himself for agreeing to this, but he nods anyway. He _wants_ to get better, he’s just been finding it hard as of late.

“Now, sorry to stick my nose in, but have you been cleaning your cuts?” Aaron instantly feels a flush fill his body, feeling too hot when he looks down at the table and picks at his stubby nails.

“I-I don’t really know how, honestly.”

Barely a beat passed before Paddy simply replies “not to worry, I’ll take a look and bandage you up after lunch.”

Aaron should have known Paddy would handle it. He could feel the familiar pain of tears burning in his eyes, threatening to fall.

“Thanks Paddy, don’t know what I would do without you.”

Paddy pats Aaron’s knee and offers him a warm, reassuring smile. “Well good thing you won’t have to find out. I’m here for you Aaron, always will be.”

Aaron wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie, nodding and smiling.

_Here goes nothing._


End file.
